Fifty-one and inflammatory

I'm pretty sure the problem isn't (entirely) me

I have reached the age and energy of inflammation.

What was previously the occasional bout of the eczema and regularly scheduled bloating has become a daily barrage of questions:

• what did I eat?

• what did I touch?

• what laundry detergent did the bus driver use?

• what phase of the moon is it?

• was there an earthquake in the ring of fire¹ last night?

Any answer to any of these questions validates the further imbalance of my fragile fifty-something hormones and exacerbation of skin, gut and joint malaise.

But wait, there’s more!

My energy, emotions and reactions are not left alone to manage themselves quietly and effectively. No. Quiet and effective is for suckers: younger, optimistic, well behaved folks who are forgiving of things my nervous system no longer abides in silence. After so long in this body, I’ve no more room to pretend to overlook rudeness, repeated errors, negligence, unaddressed incompetence and general assholery or dickishness. I am far more likely now to react aloud with my voice, facial expressions, hand gestures or - at a minimum - a very deep an disappointed inhale, than to have any capacity left to absorb or deflect an insult to civility.

I fear that, with every expansive swelling or inhale, my body is exclaiming that I am very much too old for this shit, while simultaneously begging to know why there is so much of it.

I now deeply understand and admire the wise swamp crone who might turn on those she finds offensive.

Perhaps it is time to decorate my office desk with a few more plants, wear a few more shawls, and bite my tongue (even) less. It’s time to invite in only those who really want to be here, live side by side those who embody the golden rule², and be unapologetically weird enough (as the new normal) to scare away the rest.

There. I feel less twitchy already. And I hear swamp water might be good for the skin.

1. The ring of fire refers the tectonic belt of volcanoes and earthquakes around the Pacific rim

2. a shared wisdom of reciprocity and way of being across cultures, often stated as do unto others as you would have them do unto you